I dreamt of punching myself in the head. I so desperately wanted to hurt myself, but I couldn’t get any traction. The blows felt like nothing and the frustration, while palpable, only made the desire for pain worse. I’ve hurt myself before, in life and in dreams, and the satisfaction, though fleeting, is utterly real. Not being able to gain anything from myself in subconscious felt like the worst kind of misery. I woke wrapped in furious loathing and thought instantly to realise my dreams, though I can never actualise and live inside the fear of being mediocre forever.